Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Cheerleader Rant - what's this world come to

[I Have A Dream, And It's A Good Wet One...]

You may not know her name, but Renee Thomas' story is
gaining national attention. Like Rosa Parks, Renee
was tired after a long day of work. She just wanted
to relax and have sex with fellow Carolina Panthers
cheerleader Angela Keathley in a public restroom.
Like Rosa Parks, Renee was arrested.
That's what happens to pioneers. Let's make sure that
Renee's arrest is not in vain. Something needs to be
done to protect the rights of hot lesbian cheerleaders
to fuck in public bathrooms.

Someone needs to organize massive protests. A Million
Muff Muncher March if you will. I see thousands of
cheerleaders in tight white t-shirts marching
on Washington. They start to riot. They hurl
pom-poms at the police. They make rude formations,
and do cheers that are not only mean spirited, but
that also show little regard for traditional rhyme
schemes and meter. A couple of the girls go at it in
the Lincoln Memorial, right on Lincoln's

Then the police have no choice but to turn the fire
hoses on them. The cheerleaders scream as their
shaky pyramids come crashing down. Their firm
young breasts heave under gauzy white t-shirts that
are now suddenly translucent. The cold water causes
their nipples to stiffen and to reach new heights in
rigidity! Some of the cheerleaders remove their
soaking panties in protest. Hopefully, the major news
outlets will realize the historical significance of
this moment and show it over and over again:
ideally in slow motion.

I know what you're thinking. Angela Keathley is not
that hot. She has a huge nose. But you're probably
thinking about her mug shot. I'm sure with
some make-up she looks pretty good. In the mug shot
she does not have any on. Why? Because while you
were sitting at home ignoring injustice all
around you, Angela had her face buried in Renee
Thomas' lap: licking, sucking, nibbling, and fighting
for what she believed in. And if her carefully
applied lipstick, eyeliner, and blush were reduced to
nothing more than random splotches on Thomas' creamy
thighs, I think that's a small price to pay for

And don't forget the Panther TopCats are hardly the
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Some of them are real
pigs. A lot of them look like old transvestites. I
would have probably done Meagan, Allison or Misty.
Meagan is the hottest, but Misty looks really slutty,
and she has that stripper name.

Cheerleaders need to organize fuck-ins. There should
be cheerleaders fucking in every bathroom in the
country. And it shouldn't be just cheerleaders: all
hot lesbians need to do their part. Are you listening
Rosie O'Donnell? Stay home.

And on the subject of Rosie, why has Hollywood been
silent? Where is Denise Richards, who owes her entire
career to her Sapphic turn in "Wild Things".
Where are Gina Gershon and Jennifer Tilly? Where is
Portia de Rossi? Why are they not speaking out? And
more importantly, why are they not making out?

I have a dream, that one day, in the not so distant
future; a small child will look up at me in wild eyed
wonder and ask, "Grandpa, is it true there
was a time when cheerleaders were not allowed to have
sex in public restrooms?" I'll just laugh and say,
"Yes, but that was a long time ago."
He'll smile as a wave of relief washes over him. Then
I'll tell him he was adopted and he'll cry like a
little bitch.

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