Wednesday, April 25, 2007

art for vegetarians

Ways to make a guy smile

1. Morning BJ
2. Noon Handjob
3. Doggiestyle at night
4. Have a beer waiting when he gets home from work.

ha ha ha

Sunday, April 22, 2007

26 ways to make a girl smile

Saw this in a posting off and felt myself throw up a little in my mouth, but that's probably why i'm still single.

1. Tell her she is beautiful
2. Hold her hand at any moment . . . even if its just for a second.
3. Hug her from behind.
4. Leave her voice messages to wake up to.
5. When she is upset, hold her tight and tell her how much she means to you.
6. Recognize the small things . . . they usually mean the most.
7. If you're talking to another girl, when your done talking, walk over and hug her and kiss her....let her know she's yours and they aren't.
8. Write her notes or call her just to say "hi"
9. Introduce her to your friends . . . as your girlfriend.
10. Play with her hair.
11. Pick her up for a date if you have been dating for a while. (she loves it)
12. Get upset if another guy touches her and she doesn't like it
13. Make her laugh
14. Let her fall asleep in your arms.
15. If she's mad at you, kiss her.
16. If you care about her, then (we all know this is a challenge) TELL HER
17. Every guy should give their girl 3 things: a stuffed animal(she'll hug it every time she goes to sleep), jewlery (will treasure it forever), and one of his t-shirts (she'll most likely where it to bed) and don't forget to bring her flowers or something special once in a while.
18. Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your alone.
19. Look her in the eyes and smile.
20. Hang out with her on weekends (guys, this WILL NOT, i repeat WILL NOT kill you)
21. Kiss her in the rain (girls love this)
22. Kiss her just for the heck of it
23. If your listening to music, let her listen too.
24. Remember her birthday and get her something, even if its simple and inexpensive, it came from YOU. Even a card picked out by you will meanall the world to HER.
25. When she gives you a present on your birthday, Christmas, or just when ever, take it and tell her you love it, even if you don't (it will make her happy.)
26. Always call her when you say you will, it may not seem like it, but it does hurt her and makes her thinks you don't care so call even if you can only talk for a minute.

Friday, April 20, 2007

"when i die, i'm going to haunt you..."

stole this from the onion - thought it was hilarious.

"when i die i'm gonna haunt the fu#k out of you people"
As long as I can remember, my life has been a constant stream of insults, condescension, and humiliation at the hands of you people. Well, I'm sick of it. I may be too cowardly and weak to do anything about it in this lifetime, but I promise I'll have my revenge just the same. After I die, I'm going to come back as the scariest damn ghost you've ever seen, guaranteed—and I'm going to spend my days haunting the fuck out of you all.

My spirit will be locked in limbo, forced to wander between this world and the next until it gets retribution for its tormented past, and I can't fucking wait. Hope you like having your TV unexpectedly turn on and off while you don't even have the remote in your hands, shitheads! There won't be anything you can do about it, either. No one will believe you. They'll just say it's something to do with the old wiring in your house and you'll agree, but you'll know the truth, because it'll be me.

You better hope that I don't die for another 50, 60 years, so I don't start scaring you shitless every single night while you're still young. Unless you want a whole lot of eerie evenings, you better pray I live to be 100.

But you know what? That ain't gonna happen. My frail frame can't hold out against this kind of mistreatment forever. Someday, sooner or later, I'll succumb to your ceaseless upbraidings and die. And then you'll be in for some serious haunting.

"What's that?" you'll say to yourselves, walking to the bathroom in the pitch-dark night. "That noise—is the house settling? Is it the wind?" Yeah, fat chance, assholes! That noise will be me. You'll be consumed with a vague sense of unease until you get back to sleep. Which won't be for at least 15 or 20 minutes, if my ghost has anything to say about it. Oh, yeah, you can count on that.

I'm a pretty fragile guy, you know—I could go any minute. Maybe I'll suffer a particularly bad asthma attack and I'll die tomorrow. Then you'll have to put up with decades of sudden temperature shifts, noises in the attic, and candles that blow out for no reason before you finally succumb to the ravages of old age. You could be looking at half a century or more of thinking you may have seen something out of the corner of your eye.

Once I'm dead, I wouldn't recommend watching any Stephen King movies after 9 p.m. if I were you. The minute your mind starts filling with haunting images, I'm going to be there to exploit the hell out of them. You think those movies are scary? Just wait until you hear all the weird noises and stuff I'm going to conjure up.

If you're ever all alone in some scary place—like a forest or maybe an abandoned cabin of some kind—those creepy-ass faint moans will be mine. You'll be plenty spooked then. Even if you've gone completely bald, you'll still have hair on your arms, and it's going to be standing straight up by the time I'm through with you. And then I'll be all, "Boo, motherfuckers."

I promise you this: You'll eventually come to regret making fun of me when I was still alive.

And don't even get me started on what's going to happen if family members take pictures of you when they visit. Those pictures are going to have some weird discolorations, you can bet on that, and some of them may even contain forms that look sort of like faces. Whose face? Yours truly: Byron, avenging spirit from beyond the grave.

You probably won't even remember me by then. But that won't save you. I'll remember you to my dying day and beyond, and I'll spend my entire afterlife making what remains of your life a living hell.

Laugh while you can, you good-for-nothing sons of bitches, because your autumn years are going to be unsettling as shit.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Pissed off catholic mom

this is so sad -
'no christmas presents' - that's the best line ever.
maybe he just should've said - gotcha at the end and said no mom i'm really gay.

more than likely staged or a fake - but funny as hell.
anyone wanna help stage a good youtube video with me. i've got the camera.

geeks make better lovers

(1) Geeks build it so you will come
(2) Geeks get personal with tech
(3) Geeks dig consensual role playing
(4) Geeks interact
(5) Geeks get things done
(6) Geeks are hot …
(7) Geeks don't shock easily
(8) Geeks know kinky people
(9) Geeks understand multi-dimensional relationships
(10)Geeks aren't threatened by new tech or "the future of sex"

Full Article here

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

a joke

What's hairy on the outside, wet on the inside, starts with a c, ends
with a t, and has the letter n in it?
get your mind out of the gutter

Monday, April 09, 2007

weekly rant

posted this on another dating forum - now i'll get your responses. names have been withheld to protect the innocent.

my story... the short version.
have a dinner party with a few friends discussing paranormal stuff - ouija boards, tarot cards, ghost hunting techniques. invited a girl i'd been dating for a few months - since december. later in the evening after a couple bottles of wine one of my friends brings out some male playing cards. Me being the kind host I am kindly show the ladies my set of female playing cards as well as my autographed copy of playboy that i'm really proud of. so the night is over - i get a good night kiss and tell her i'll call next week.

next week - no phone calls, or emails returned. are women so freaked out by men reading playboy that she won't return my calls. not that i really care - just curious. one of my other female friends told me something about women having low self-esteem trying to keep up with society's standard of women ala Playboy, etc. So I refuse to date any more women with low self-esteem and that don't like the fact that men do read Playboy magazine.

just my weekly rant

Thursday, April 05, 2007

understanding women...

i've totally stopped trying to understand women.
not sure there's enough space for me to write why.
but if anyone wants to buy me a beer...

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

300 : the movie

300 - the movie
the version they didn't want you to see
for you HOV. :-)

Monday, April 02, 2007

Save the Date

Paranormal Dinner Party - April 21
Unless I change my mind the topic is going to be UFO's / Alien Abductions.

I have two documentaries on UFO's I'm showing. Also will try to get other UFO movies to show. Hopefully Closet Freak will bring the tarot cards and ouija board again.

New Pictures

Picture taken by BushSnapper

Picture from our last gig at Ken's Club.

My new business card