Thursday, December 28, 2006
1. Nice to see not much changes with the way people act including myself and family.
2. Will put up pictures of my childhood home when I get back, an online version of the photograph video from nickelback
3. Much tougher to run in the sand along the beach than I thought
4. Was minutes away from a threesome whilst eating oysters at a bar in Destin
5. Googlemap of my trip
6. This is where I grew up
Saturday, December 23, 2006
(1) if you have the slightest interest in someone take a chance - it might be the love of your life
(2) your soulmate might be the one person you least expect it to be
(3) women don't always come right out and say they're attracted to you
(4) always go with your heart
that's it for now
and closet freak - i'm sorry and i'll act accordingly next time.
and i promise not to let the next best thing in my life slip thru my hands:
see ya guys next week
will write more from florida next week
Friday, December 22, 2006
Houston is having there 1500th Run Celebration Feb 23-25, 2007.
This will be done old school style. The hash is taking over an elementary school for the weekend. If you went to the Christmas Party - we will be partying in the school across the street. Here's what we have planned.
You can sleepover Friday night, Saturday night at the school. So bring your popup tents, sleeping bags, etc. Sleepover after the pubcrawl - so you don't have to go home. On Saturday the goal of the hares is to recreate run #1 of the hash. There will be school buses to take a field trip from the school out to the start of the hash. So be at the school on non-hash time. After the run, the buses will take us back to the school for dinner, a talent show, a dance, and a sex-ed class at midnite.
Friday Feb 23, 2007 : Recess
Location: Downtown Houston
Lots of surprises along the way
Professor Closet Freak
Teacher's Assistant Rubbin the Boy Wanker
Midnite: Lockin at the school
Midnite Movies, Games, etc.
Saturday Feb 24, 2007:
Hot Breakfast - 8:00 a.m.
School Lunch - 12:00 pm
Gym Class (Run)- 2:30 p.m.
Field Trip will begin promptly at 3:00 p.m.
Hares: Geek, Estrus, Dr. Strangehash
Run Location - Back to the future
A recreation of run #1
Dinner - 7:00 p.m.
Talent Show - Time TBD
School Dance - Time TBD
Sex Ed Class - Midnite
Price $49 until Feb 2
After Feb 2 - $59
At the run - $69
More info to come, check www.h4.org/1500/
pdf flyer - www.h4.org/1500/1500flyer.pdf
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
2. The taste of your tongue is all I've ever needed
3. I've got a shiny new st. arnold's christmas ale waiting just for you
4. I promise not to use your back to keep my feet warm
5. I'll let you push me on the swings
6. I always put the cap back on the toothpaste
7. I'll stash little notes for you where you'll least expect them
8. We’ll make history together
9. Because no other tongue can "shiver me timber" quite like yours
10. Sleeping alone just sucks.... period!
11. When you're around me I've got the sex drive of a 16 year old boy
12. There isn't anything I feel I can't tell you
13. I wish I could give you all of my firsts
14. All I can offer you is all of my lasts
15. You’re safe with me
16. I'll wait for you even if you're late
17. I'll lick the envelope for you
18. You've seen the monsters under my bed, and you're still here
19. I'll let you sneak a taste when I'm cooking
20. I know CPR
21.I'm what Willis was talking about!
22. You fucking turn me on!
23. You love my dorkiness
24. When you are trying to keep count, I will try and mess you up
25. You’re magically delicious
26. I suck at strip poker
27. I’ll hold your coffee for you when you’re driving
28. Around me dry panties are a thing of the past
29. I promise not to burn the house down while you’re gone
30. I'm mostly harmless
31. I’ll make you Mickey Mouse pancakes
32. I won’t bite unless you want me to
33. Sleeping in has a whole new meaning now that we are doing it together
34. I’ll circle your birthday on my calendar
35. I'll cover you up and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep watching tv
36. I'll carve your initials in a tree
37. I won’t swear around your family - mostly
38. I’ve never been Punk’d
39. I'll pick you flowers to wear in your hair
40. I come with an extended warranty
41. I’ll grant you three wishes
42. I’ll buy you a lap dance at the strip club
43. I didn't vote for either George Bush
44. I don't tear the tags off my mattresses til I get home
45. I always stop to pet dogs outside of grocery stores
46. I wear clean underwear
47. I like to drive fast and furious, come on
48. I know how to give oral sex to make you squirm
49. I read Playboy for the articles
50. I'll make you laugh
51. I've never fucked Pam Anderson or Jenna Jameson
52. I'll never under cook the eggs
53. I'll never drink your last beer unless it saint arnold's amber
54. I can make a mean pot of chili
55. I'll pretend I didn't see you look at that guy across the bar
56. I'll always be impressed with how strong you are
57. I know that handcuffs aren't just for the cops
58. I don't recycle
59. I do know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop
60. I won't steal the vicoden out of your medicine cabinet
61. I'll take care of you when you're sick
62. I'll make fun of you
63. I can give a kick ass back rub
64. I haven't been a house guest of O.J. Simpson
65. I like porn
66. I can't stand soap operas
67. I put the seat down
68. I pump my own gas
69. I'll care if you break a nail
70. I've got cookies
71. I don't chew tobacco
72. I take a shower every day - sometimes twice a day
73. I like to pull your hair when we have sex
74. I'll let you beat me at pool (LET you cause if I try, you're going down)
75. I don't care that you go out with the girls
76. I don't eat crackers in bed
77. I think it's hot when you come home all dirty from playing hard
78. I can't stand the mall, but I will go shopping with you
79. I don't care what music we listen to in the car
80. I've never eaten a bon-bon in my life
81. When you wash the dishes, cook, vaccuum it turns me on
82. I have a male ghetto booty and I am proud of it
83. My heart will jump every time you walk through the door
84. I'll save everything you ever give me
85. I won't ever forget your birthday, and remind you when mine is coming
86. You just can't stop reading this!
87. I've bought a lottery ticket
88. I know how to change the oil in a car.
89. I'll think you're just about the coolest person I know
90. I think pizza and a game at the sports bar down the street is the ideal date
91. What the hell is "in the box"?
92. I always open a window when I paint
93. I've never been on COPS
94. The only drama I have any part of is on t.v.
95. I know how to make a fire
96. I can tie a cherry stem with my tongue
97. I've got a tattoo
98. My kisses will take your breath away
99. I love it when you wear my t-shirts after sex
100. I can't stand Adam Sandler
101. I never drive faster than 30 mph in a school zone
102. My weird habits you'll find adorable
103. You'll sleep better when I'm next to you
104. I'd fuck Angelina Jolie
105. I'll thank you every time you open the door
106. I'll never waste your love
107. I'll laugh at every joke even when it's not funny (but only in public - when we're alone I'll tell you if it's not funny)
108. I'd never give you shit in front of your friends
109. It gets better every time
110. Use as much salt as you want I don't care
111. I won't ever let you leave for work in the morning without your lunch
112. I'll help you find your keys
113. I don't stop and ask for directions either
114. I like wine
115. We can watch your movie first
116. I don't need batteries
117. I once ate a cricket
118. I eat red meat - i love a good steak
119. I'll clean the house perfect every time your mom comes
120. I hash.
121. I know the difference between a salad fork and dinner fork.
122. I write poetry.
123. My family is just as fucked up as yours
124. I don't want to get married any time soon
125. I like horror movies
126. I smell pretty good (thanks to cK 1)
127. I don't litter
128. When I can I give to charity
129. I can be ready in 10 minutes or less
130. I'll let you win at arm wrestling every time
131. I look both ways before I cross the street
132. I never look directly into the sun
133. You'll look cute in my shirts
134. I'm not a virgin
135. You're hotter and more hilarious than anyone I know
136. You can leave makeup on my shoulder
137. I don't mind cats.
138. I like dogs.
139. I can balance a check book
140. I'll help you not to forget your moms birthday
141. I would never yell "fire" in a crowded theater
142. I'm really good at sneaking food into the movies
143. I was the second grade spelling bee champ
144. I'll never say 'nothings wrong' when there really is
145. I know how to hold your hair back when you get sick
146. I've never cried over spilt milk
147. I have never stabbed anyone in the eye
148. I can count to 100 by 5's
149. I've never smuggled drugs out of the country
150. I don't care if you eat dinner in my pajamas
151. I think it's hot when you masturbate
152. I never overload the washer
153. What else have you got to do?
154. I know that whipped cream goes on more than sundaes
155. I've never auditioned for American Idol
156. I don't eat yellow snow
157. I like it when you talk to your friends about me in bed
158. My sunday morning breakfasts will change your life - I make a mean 3egg omelete
159. My chin fits 'just right' in your cleavage when you hold me close
160. I'll understand if you get jealous
161. I'm just that good
162. I never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky either
163. You're getting very sleepy...
164. I've never been on Jerry Springer
165. I may have already won $10,000,000.
166. You won't be able to get me out of your head
167. I know that sticks are better than automatics
168. I'll let you drive every time if you want
169. I buy a new toothbrush every time the blue wears down
170. I know that objects in the mirror are bigger than they appear
171. I know that flowers will get you laid everytime.
172. I've never gotten caught lip synching on SNL
173. I love Starbucks
174. I never leave the engine running while I'm pumping gas
175. I never run with scissors
176. I've taken the Coke/Pepsi challenge and won
177. Almost every time I have a winning bottle top
178. I know how to keep a secret
179. If you spell something wrong I just think it's cute
180. I've never failed a survey
181. I can almost every time find Waldo
182. I never put my fingers in the light socket
183. I'm a Gemini
184. I have all my shots
185. I'm pretty damn funny
186. I'm not a doctor and I've never played one on t.v. either
187. I don't care if you eat off my plate
188. When you're sleeping I'll always try to be quiet
191. I have never run out of gas (well I just fucked myself there now, didn't I?)
192. I know the difference between they're, their, and there
193. You really kinda would dig having someone to cuddle with on the couch
194. I know how to get stains out of t-shirts
195. I know how to leave you satisfied and hungry for more every time
196. I'm really good at making lists
197. I work tirelessly for attention and your amusement.
198. After reading this far you've already got too much time invested all ready - might as well e-mail me for a date.
I'm Time's Person of the Year.
Thanks to my blog, my constant ramblings on myspace, and my use of the internet to achieve a sense of community and collaboration between people.
For seizing the reins of the global media, for founding and framing the new digital democracy, for working for nothing and beating the pros at their own game, TIME's Person of the Year for 2006 is me.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
To all the women out there - if it seems like you're the least bit interested in a guy why not just come out and tell him. Guys just don't get all the flirty signals - I know women like to be chased, but sometimes we are oblivious.
I've certainly learned my lesson - and just take dates and phone numbers one day at a time and try not to get to worried about when should i email after i've gotten her email address, or phone number etc. I think some wise man once said - women are people too, treat 'em as such and you'll go far young man. So I've started to do that - and it has improved my social life - also going outside the hash to meet women as well. But that's another blog posting.
At only 35 years of age, I have already prepared for my eventual passing. However, I feel strongly that there's no time like the present when it comes to planning one's final resting place, particularly when one is still of sound mind and body. Therefore, I would like to be cremated, placed in a black lacquer vase, and then scattered on the body of a completely naked lady.
When you read my will, you will see that it contains many guidelines for how this should be carried out. They are very specific. For instance, simply putting a woman in front of a fan and feeding my ashes through it is totally unacceptable. The event, if it goes according to my final wishes, will be respectful and somber. It's imperative that my loved ones carry it out to the letter.
I have set aside $5,000 in an interest-bearing account for this purpose so it will not be a financial burden on my family. In the event of my death in my will there will be a list of prospective female bodies, chiefly professional models. I will update this list until I am no longer physically or mentally able to surf the Internet.
Should the money prove insufficient for one of the candidates on this primary list, I will accept a local amateur from a secondary list detailed in my will. But I insist she still be held to the same requirements as for the professionals: First, she should be willing to strip down all the way and allow my cremated remains to fall upon her supple body. Second, I would like a redhead. Third, her proportions should be pleasing, but not outlandish. I don't want my funeral to turn into a circus sideshow—the focus, after all, should be on the man I was, how I chose to live my life, and how I want to be remembered. Therefore, for bra size, I would like a maximum of 36D and a minimum of 34B. A fair portion of my remains should be cast between the woman's breasts, so she should be able to create a respectable amount of cleavage without the help of a bra.
I request a relatively unblemished body with a light tan, so my ashes contrast with her naked body and don't simply blend in. Her face should be pleasing. I would prefer angelic, but if this not possible I understand, please consult my Internet history cache of female models. It knows what I like and we have discussed my wishes many time at length - while I peruse the 'net.
Contemplating this last requirement has kept me up many late nights and is not something that I take lightly. But I must request that the model shave her pubic hair in a tasteful "landing strip"-style pattern. This naked woman will be my final resting place, and it's important that this resting place is well trimmed and maintained.
On one more point I should be absolutely clear: The woman must have no surgical enhancements of any kind. Hers should be a natural body that people feel comfortable around and would like to spend time looking at.
If the woman had Asian features, that would be a plus.
And once the ashes are sprinkled on her, the woman should anoint her entire body with oil, then rub herself with it, slowly and with great care and reverence, of course. Therefore, my eternal soul will live on, in some small way, here on Earth.One final request that I make for the funeral itself is that you find a young, female singer to sing "Purple Rain" while playing the piano. It is crucial that she has a clear, strong voice and competent keyboard skills. She should be a brunette, wear glasses, and, if there is money left over, perhaps she can be persuaded to sing topless.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Now that's a booty
White girls can have ghetto booty too.
Small ghetto booty
That's what we call ghetto booty son. You'll want to hit that when you're older. Just don't tell your mom.
The recent postings of Closet Freak got me thinking about booty, more specifically ghetto booty. Well not that I don't think about it every day when I'm walking down the corridors at HP checking out asses, I figured it'd be a good blog posting, as judged by the nice pictures up above.
There are several terms for what is commonly known as black girl booty - junk in the trunk, apple bottom, onion booty, ghetto booty, baby got back, teardrop ass, and thick are some slang for a nice shapely ass. It goes to say - you normally know it when you see it. I think it goes to say - I don't recall seeing much ghetto booty in the hash. Except for that one time when a new boot came to run the Heartache Full Moon and we got busted by the railroad police. Although I do see a lot of nice booty when I'm running through the third and fifth ward, as well as Memorial Park on the loop around the tennis center.
The link below goes into a lot more definition about the right proportions that define a proper booty. the link is definitely not safe for work. Ok you've been warned this time. Check out the The Assmatrix.
So if you know of any single female friends who exhibit a bit o booty - hook a brother up.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
1) another heartache run not to be missed
2) on-on-on at chez lounge
3) closet freak was the last harrierette standing and outlasted the hare at the on-on-on
4) great shiggy - lots of shoe sucking muck, briars, thorns, weeds and shiggy
Thursday, December 07, 2006
- A friend is someone who gives you total freedom to be yourself.
- Blake said that the body was the soul's prison unless the five senses are fully developed and open. He considered the senses the 'windows of the soul.' When sex involves all the senses intensely, it can be like a mystical experience.
- Drugs are a bet with your mind.
- Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
- I am the lizard king. I can do anything.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
2. What is nipple docking and is it illegal in Texas?
3. Where was I on the unveiling of the boobs?
4. I did not leave my credit card at any of the bars and I'm proud of it. I have done that before in the past - at Onion Creek and it's not a pretty site.
5. Next time I'll take a cab to downtown. $6 cab rides anywhere in downtown.
6. The folks at Cabo don't take too kindly to chalk arrows on their floor.
Monday, December 04, 2006
the Christmas Party was a success. My band - Chaka MAD played and we had an excellent time. For those of you that missed it - there's always next year. I can't believe we played about 3-4 hours worth of music. Everything from Linda Ronstadt to Black Sabbath. I love Pimp Doggie Dawg yelling for Judas Priest - I promise I'll talk to the band about putting that in a setlist. And we even played AC/DC for Pipes - we were saving that one for an encore. But you never know what mismanagement has up their sleeve for other equally great events to come.
Also you never know what Closet Freak has up her sleeve for another pub crawl. All I can say is there may be another pub crawl similar to the one we laid last year. You never know with us.
Monday, November 27, 2006
Sloppy Seconds and Leftovers:
Trail hared by two virgins - Can't Touch This and Finger in the Dyke.
Great time, Great Trail, and plenty of beer.
Yes it is pierced!!
And then the pasties went around like this.
Rubbin' pinching a nipple.
Friday, November 24, 2006
The concert rocked. I think I've found my new favorite bass player, Karen Cuda. She's hot, a bit feisty on stage and she plays bass. After the concert she was friendly and a lot taller than I thought.
I'd never seen King's X in person, but had heard their music. They totally rock. Will definitely catch them again next time they play in Houston. Hopefully soon.
Skid Row still has it. They played some old school songs, Piece of Me, Slave to the Grind, Youth Gone Wild, a rockin' version of I Remember You. And they played a couple cuts from their recent albums.
Drank a lot - partied a lot - was about 1 foot from the stage. Had a blast.
Friday, November 17, 2006
on-on to more concerts in the future
anyone want to go see skid row (80's heavy metal band) I believe they are playing next weekend... the 24th or 25th.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
1. Rumsfeld replacement named (Brownie must be proud, he's drunk as we speak)
2. Britney to divorce husband (Why the fu$k is this the number 2 story in the world)
3. Urban: 'I've been drowning guy' (Country star has problems)
4. World welcomes Democratic win (Woo Hoo - off to get drunk tonight - can't wait for 08)
5. Democrat wins Montana Senate seat, CNN projects
6. Bush takes blame for GOP losses /nothing to say :-(
7. First Muslim elected to Congress
8. Exit polls: Bush, Iraq key to outcome
9. Rumsfeld: Controversial commander
So now it looks as if we may provide some type of exit strategy to get out of Iraq.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Nice discussion of spirituality, religion, and ghosts with two hot harrierettes at happy hour among other topics discussed.
a few books I have laying around to give them:
1) Haunted Encounters: Real Life Stories of Supernatural Experiences by
ginnie Siena Bivona, Dorothy McConachi & Mitchel Whitington
2) 1001 Surprising Things You Should Know About God by Jerry MacGregor & Marie Prys
3) The Birth of Satan: Tracing the Devil's Biblical Roots by TJ Wray and Gregory Mobley
3a) plus a book on How to be a GhostHunter, various books on witchcraft, various Playboy mags, and some books on the xfiles, and another book on the origins of Satan throughout history.
They'll be at the run on Sunday...
Looking forward to the next ghost hunt.....
I really do want to believe
Thursday, November 02, 2006
we are Chaka MAD. check us out at www.chakamad.com
Yes we are available for house parties, bars, clubs, etc.
Any comments on the posters?
Our myspace page is coming soon as well as song clips from rehearsals.
Also looking for logo ideas.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Marion Barber scores on of his many touchdowns.
Tony Romo takes charge of the offense.
Jason Witten in the open field.
T.O. doing what he does best.
Witten going for a score.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
beef, mechanically separated chicken [wtf], water, salt, corn syrup, flavorings, dextrose, paprika, hydrolyzed corn gluten, soy and wheat gluten proteins, sodium nitrite, lactic acid starter culture [wtf is this].
also why are there slim jim leather cuffs on their website for sale. Is there more to Slim Jim than I thought?
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
I know I'm as guilty as anyone. I actually found stuff in my fridge that's been at least one-two years old (mainly stale condimints). I even have the 'W" Ketchup that's made in America from 2004 when George W Bush won (uhh stole) the election. just kidding he won it fair and square. My worst thing is frozen foods - never quite sure how long that frozen ground beef is good for. Although it's refreshing to know that the spam I bought is good for 3 more years. Also thought beer would last longer than 4 months...need some help to kill the St. Arnold's Divine reserve I have.
General Food Storage Guidelines:
These guidelines are offered for the best taste, flavor and texture; and consuming product after these time frames is not recommended.
* Beer: 4 months (unopened)
* Canned foods: 12 months (unopened) 2-3 days opened, refrigerated and placed in airtight container
* Cereal: 6-12 months (unopened), 2-3 months opened, put in airtight plastic bag
* Chocolate: 1 year from production date (unopened)
* Coffee (ground): 2 years (unopened), 2-3 weeks opened (in airtight container)
* Coffee (beans): 1 year in vacuum sealed bag (unopened), 1-2 weeks opened (in airtight container)
* Cooking Oils: 18 months from production date (unopened), 3 months opened, if stored in a cool, dry place.
* Entrees (frozen): 12 months (unopened)
* Jellies & Jams: 12 months unopened, 3-4 months opened, refrigerated
* Juice (bottled): 8 months from production date (unopened), 7 days opened
* Ketchup: 1 year (unopened), 4 months opened, refrigerated
* Mayonnaise: 3-5 years (unopened), 2 months opened, refrigerated
* Mustard: 2 years (unopened), 6 months opened, refrigerated
* Pasta (dried): 6 months in airtight package (place cardboard boxes into ziplock type bags to avoid insect infestations)
* Peanut Butter: 2 years (unopened), 3 months opened, refrigerated
* Salad Dressings: 6 months after “best by” date, unopened, 6 months opened, refrigerated
* Soda (diet): 1-2 months from “best by” date
* Soda (regular): 3-4 months from “best by” date
* Spices/Herbs: 12-24 months (unopened), 12 months, stored in airtight container
* Tuna canned: 1 year from purchase date, 3 days opened, refrigerated not stored in can
* Vegetables (frozen): 12 months (unopened)
* Wine (red/white): 3 years from vintage date, 1 week opened, refrigerated and corked
* Bacon: 2 weeks unopened, 7 days after opening
* Eggs: 4 weeks after pack date, refrigerated
* Fresh beef, veal, pork: 3-5 days
* Ground meat, poultry: 1-2 days
* Ham, cooked: 7 days unopened, 3 days after opening
* Hot dogs: 2 weeks unopened, 7 days after opening
* Luncheon meat: 2 weeks unopened
* Milk: 7 days after “sell-by” date, 3-5 days after opening
* Poultry (fresh): 1 – 2 days
* Poultry (cooked): 3-4 days unopened, 3-4 days after opening
* Sausage (uncooked): 1-2 days
* Sausage (cooked): 3-4 days unopened, 3-4 days after opening
Monday, October 16, 2006
Friday, September 22, 2006
Having traveled this great land of the US (mainly in the southern states) save for a brief stint in North Carolina. I've frequented many strip clubs. Events this past weekend have led me to this blog posting. It's been said by many a woman that strip clubs just exploit women, blah blah blah. That's merely said by women who've never been to a club. I'll be more than happy to go to a club with any woman and show them how men get exploited.
For a man to pay a woman $20 for a 3 minute dance is preposterous, but we pay it anyway. Men definitely get exploited - $7 beers, $10 shots, making small talk with someone who just wants your money, outrageous VIP room charges. I've seen many strippers work over my friends for dance after dance. One friend in college used to spend his entire paycheck on the one stripper called Angel. He finally wised up and stop going to the club.
Texas strip club 101:
Texas has some weird rules about strip clubs. If you serve alcohol the girls are topless, but if it's an all-nude establishment you can bring in as much alcohol as you want, even a keg or two. And it only costs $7 to bring in as much beer/alcohol as you can drink.
Rubbin's Rules on Strip Clubs:
1. Never use a credit card at a club.
2. Keep a careful track of how many dances you have - the women are sneaky and have been known to exaggerate the number of dances they've done to suck more money out of you.
3. The girls are just doing this while they work on their master degree from Rice, right.
4. Every name they give you is a fake stripper name.
5. The waitresses are hotter than the strippers.
6. Wait for the longest song you know before accepting a dance (I prefer Kashmir, Bohemian Rhapsody, or Dream On)
7. NEVER, NEVER,NEVER go to a strip club with guys that you just met (courtesy of Brrr).
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Monday, September 11, 2006
1. Don’t say “I never do this” and expect me to believe you. Of course you do this, so do I, and you’re saying that you normally don’t implies that if I do, then I am some kind of a freak. We are here to bang so drop the act, don’t expect to discuss our sexual histories because we are both going to lie anyway. Everyone's a freak behind closed doors.
2. Don’t try and have casual, meaningless conversation when we get back to our respective destination. I don’t really care what you do for a living, where you’re from, or your childhood drama. You’re there for one purpose only. Anything I needed to know about you I already found out -primarily from observation. Are you attractive, not wearing pegged jeans or bad shoes. These are the only attributes I’m interested in – so please keep your mouth shut. Out of respect I will do the same.
3. Do ask permission to do things to me and my home. Ask to take a shower, ask to go through my nightstand looking for a condom, and ask me if you want something from me too, especially my last St. Arnold's beer. We can’t pretend to be familiar with each other so be polite.
4. Speaking of asking, please remember that I don’t know you and I don’t know what you like. You also don’t know what I like so while I appreciate your adventurousness, it is essential that you listen to what I tell you.
5. Don’t re-attempt to try things I’ve already made clear that I’m not interested in! I know it might be easier to get freaky with a stranger, but no still means no! And I’m not likely to change my mind 5 minutes later.
6. Don’t get offended if I call you by the wrong name while we’re having sex. In some cases I may not even remember your name and if I do – hey maybe I’m thinking about my ex-girlfriend or maybe I really like the name Nicole. Either way – don’t judge me. You’re getting laid so don’t complain!
7. If I do let you stay over or I stay at your place – please no cuddling. Casual sex and cuddling just don’t go together.
8. Morning sex is okay, unless I wake up and find you repulsive (just kidding and seeing if anyone is reading this far). Don't worry, you might wake up after that long hangover and find me repulsive and just want to get the hell outta there. Seriously 1.) I got drunk in order to feel comfortable bringing you home and screwing, now I am not drunk and there is still a chance of screwing. 2) That also goes for oral sex, daylight, sober blow jobs are always welcome and I'll even go down on you as well. Not all black guys are afraid of "DATY". btw DATY = dining at the Y=cunnilingu$. And I'm especially good at it. No complaints to date (and these women would've told me).
9. I love after sex breakfast - even if it's just eggs and orange juice. If we had a great time and you want to hang out this morning, then it's okay. Although don’t expect me to say yes. Don’t get huffy if I say no. If I do say yes and we do go to breakfast, understand that afterward I want to go home and shower and sleep and not talk to you.
10. Don’t ask for my number when you and I both know we have no intention or seeing one another again. Let’s not waste our energy. Most likely I don’t want your number and you don’t want mine. Exchanging numbers just leads to regret and self-doubt. Neither of us needs to go through that especially when it probably wasn’t bad and even if it wasn’t the greatest sex ever at least we both got laid. To quote the notable film Threesome, “To me sex is like pizza. Even if it’s bad it’s still pretty good.”
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some Don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.