Friday, September 28, 2007

Titles of books I'm working on.

1) Everything is not a Conspiracy.
Everything you ever wanted to know about Conspiracy Theories.

2) In the Future Everyone's an Expert.

3) What do I know... I'm Black. A look at life in America through the eyes of a black yuppie.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Free Carpet and Shampoo Cleaning

Free Carpet and Shampoo Cleaning - sure. So these guys were canvassing my neighborhood last night. Actually managed to be home instead of at a happy hour somewhere - mistakenly I agreed to a free carpet cleaning. So this very cute girl comes in and starts giving her prepared spiel about how great the Kirby is compared to my $100 Hoover. I let her do her demo for a few hours. I already knew all the tricks.
1) Appeal to my emotion to save money
2) Get the person to talk about themselves - agree with whatever they say. For example I'm into running - so of course they are as well.
3) Use dust mites as a scare tactic.
4) At the end show the price - for me it was $2595. So when I didn't feel like I was buying - make a phone call to the 'manager' offering a better deal. So the price magically dropped to $1800, then one more phone call and it dropped to $1280. I basically said no matter what I wasn't buying. So then the backup arrives - a little guy comes in and basically gives me her same spiel all over again. I nod smile and say - yeah she told me that already. After about 30 minutes of me constantly saying no - they left. They even tried the you don't have to pay for 6 weeks deal on me.
So I searched the internet and found lots of high pressure sales tactics that they use. The 'lifetime' warranty isn't a 'true' lifetime. more like 3 years and life refurbishment replacement of parts.
So anytime I get an in home demo I take it, but just say no.

Honestly I was merely hoping for it to turn into a hot porn movie - but no such luck for me. Even after I put on the Barry White music. Maybe next time I'll accidentally spill water on her, so she can then take it off. But oh wait - I've got a T-shirt in my bedroom - here on my bed....

Bar Thursday

A Frenchman walks into a bar and he has a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot is wearing a baseball cap. And the bartender says, "Hey, that's neat — where did you get that?" And the parrot says, "France — they've got millions of them there."

A termite went in a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

Friday, September 21, 2007

Thursday, September 20, 2007

...guy goes into a bar thursday

A guy goes into a bar followed by his pet giraffe, and they both get totally plastered. The giraffe passes out and the man gets up to leave.
The bartender says, "You can't leave that lyin' there."
The drunk says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Just in Case You Were Wondering

Just in case you're were wondering on the correct procedure to use Listerine Breath Strips. Here are the directions along with the ingredients.

(1) First remove one Breath Strip from the convenient carrying case.
(2) Then place the Breath Strip on your tongue and let it dissolve. Use one Breath Strip as needed.

COOL MINT: Pullulan, Flavors, Menthol, Aspartame, Potassium Acesulfame, Copper Gluconate, Polysorbate 80, Carrageenan, Glyceryl Oleate, Eucalyptol, Methyl Salicylate, Thymol, Locust Bean Gum, Propylene Glycol, Xanthan Gum, FD&C Green No 3.

I suppose this is done as opposed to eating all the strips at once or simply chewing the convenient carrying case. Although now I'm wondering if i get the same effect if i put the strip anywhere else on my body. Would be a very cool way to dispense medicines, chocolate, maybe illicit substances if you're into that kind of thing, or alcohol samples. Hey I think I may have a patent in there somewhere.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Thursday, September 13, 2007

...goes into a bar Thursday

This woman goes into her local bar and orders a Whiskey but unusually decides to stand at the bar instead of taking her usual seat. The bar man asked her "What's up" "Oh nothing" she replied "Its just that I have had some tatoos done on my thighs and they are a bit sore still". "Interesting" says the bar man "what are the tatoos?" "Well one thigh has a Turkey and the other thigh has a Christmas tree". Thinking it unusual the bar man asked "Why?" "Simple" she replies" My husband is always complaining about having nothing nice to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas....."

A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar orders a whiskey and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Because I Like Bananas

Happy Banana

Killer Banana

Everything you wanted to know about Apple Corporation

Apple - the corporation

A Guy Goes Into a Bar Thursday

A guy goes into a bar ont he top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he reappears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says: "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?" The first guy responds: "Oh its simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and, since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "Wow!" exclaims the second man. "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says: "You know, Superman, you act like a real jerk when you're drunk."