Casual Sex Guide - 101
1. Don’t say “I never do this” and expect me to believe you. Of course you do this, so do I, and you’re saying that you normally don’t implies that if I do, then I am some kind of a freak. We are here to bang so drop the act, don’t expect to discuss our sexual histories because we are both going to lie anyway. Everyone's a freak behind closed doors.
2. Don’t try and have casual, meaningless conversation when we get back to our respective destination. I don’t really care what you do for a living, where you’re from, or your childhood drama. You’re there for one purpose only. Anything I needed to know about you I already found out -primarily from observation. Are you attractive, not wearing pegged jeans or bad shoes. These are the only attributes I’m interested in – so please keep your mouth shut. Out of respect I will do the same.
3. Do ask permission to do things to me and my home. Ask to take a shower, ask to go through my nightstand looking for a condom, and ask me if you want something from me too, especially my last St. Arnold's beer. We can’t pretend to be familiar with each other so be polite.
4. Speaking of asking, please remember that I don’t know you and I don’t know what you like. You also don’t know what I like so while I appreciate your adventurousness, it is essential that you listen to what I tell you.
5. Don’t re-attempt to try things I’ve already made clear that I’m not interested in! I know it might be easier to get freaky with a stranger, but no still means no! And I’m not likely to change my mind 5 minutes later.
6. Don’t get offended if I call you by the wrong name while we’re having sex. In some cases I may not even remember your name and if I do – hey maybe I’m thinking about my ex-girlfriend or maybe I really like the name Nicole. Either way – don’t judge me. You’re getting laid so don’t complain!
7. If I do let you stay over or I stay at your place – please no cuddling. Casual sex and cuddling just don’t go together.
8. Morning sex is okay, unless I wake up and find you repulsive (just kidding and seeing if anyone is reading this far). Don't worry, you might wake up after that long hangover and find me repulsive and just want to get the hell outta there. Seriously 1.) I got drunk in order to feel comfortable bringing you home and screwing, now I am not drunk and there is still a chance of screwing. 2) That also goes for oral sex, daylight, sober blow jobs are always welcome and I'll even go down on you as well. Not all black guys are afraid of "DATY". btw DATY = dining at the Y=cunnilingu$. And I'm especially good at it. No complaints to date (and these women would've told me).
9. I love after sex breakfast - even if it's just eggs and orange juice. If we had a great time and you want to hang out this morning, then it's okay. Although don’t expect me to say yes. Don’t get huffy if I say no. If I do say yes and we do go to breakfast, understand that afterward I want to go home and shower and sleep and not talk to you.
10. Don’t ask for my number when you and I both know we have no intention or seeing one another again. Let’s not waste our energy. Most likely I don’t want your number and you don’t want mine. Exchanging numbers just leads to regret and self-doubt. Neither of us needs to go through that especially when it probably wasn’t bad and even if it wasn’t the greatest sex ever at least we both got laid. To quote the notable film Threesome, “To me sex is like pizza. Even if it’s bad it’s still pretty good.”