Titles of books I'm working on.

1) Everything is not a Conspiracy.
Everything you ever wanted to know about Conspiracy Theories.

2) In the Future Everyone's an Expert.

3) What do I know... I'm Black. A look at life in America through the eyes of a black yuppie.

Free Carpet and Shampoo Cleaning

Free Carpet and Shampoo Cleaning - sure. So these guys were canvassing my neighborhood last night. Actually managed to be home instead of at a happy hour somewhere - mistakenly I agreed to a free carpet cleaning. So this very cute girl comes in and starts giving her prepared spiel about how great the Kirby is compared to my $100 Hoover. I let her do her demo for a few hours. I already knew all the tricks.
1) Appeal to my emotion to save money
2) Get the person to talk about themselves - agree with whatever they say. For example I'm into running - so of course they are as well.
3) Use dust mites as a scare tactic.
4) At the end show the price - for me it was $2595. So when I didn't feel like I was buying - make a phone call to the 'manager' offering a better deal. So the price magically dropped to $1800, then one more phone call and it dropped to $1280. I basically said no matter what I wasn't buying. So then the backup arrives - a little guy comes in and basically gives me her same spiel all over again. I nod smile and say - yeah she told me that already. After about 30 minutes of me constantly saying no - they left. They even tried the you don't have to pay for 6 weeks deal on me.
So I searched the internet and found lots of high pressure sales tactics that they use. The 'lifetime' warranty isn't a 'true' lifetime. more like 3 years and life refurbishment replacement of parts.
So anytime I get an in home demo I take it, but just say no.

Honestly I was merely hoping for it to turn into a hot porn movie - but no such luck for me. Even after I put on the Barry White music. Maybe next time I'll accidentally spill water on her, so she can then take it off. But oh wait - I've got a T-shirt in my bedroom - here on my bed....

Bar Thursday

A Frenchman walks into a bar and he has a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot is wearing a baseball cap. And the bartender says, "Hey, that's neat — where did you get that?" And the parrot says, "France — they've got millions of them there."

A termite went in a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.

A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "That'll be $10. You know, we don't get many kangaroos coming in here." The kangaroo says, "At $10 a beer, it's not hard to understand."

The Bass Player in the Band

...guy goes into a bar thursday

A guy goes into a bar followed by his pet giraffe, and they both get totally plastered. The giraffe passes out and the man gets up to leave.
The bartender says, "You can't leave that lyin' there."
The drunk says, "It's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

Just in Case You Were Wondering

Just in case you're were wondering on the correct procedure to use Listerine Breath Strips. Here are the directions along with the ingredients.

Directions
(1) First remove one Breath Strip from the convenient carrying case.
(2) Then place the Breath Strip on your tongue and let it dissolve. Use one Breath Strip as needed.

Ingredients
COOL MINT: Pullulan, Flavors, Menthol, Aspartame, Potassium Acesulfame, Copper Gluconate, Polysorbate 80, Carrageenan, Glyceryl Oleate, Eucalyptol, Methyl Salicylate, Thymol, Locust Bean Gum, Propylene Glycol, Xanthan Gum, FD&C Green No 3.
PHENYLKETONURICS: CONTAINS PHENYLALANINE

I suppose this is done as opposed to eating all the strips at once or simply chewing the convenient carrying case. Although now I'm wondering if i get the same effect if i put the strip anywhere else on my body. Would be a very cool way to dispense medicines, chocolate, maybe illicit substances if you're into that kind of thing, or alcohol samples. Hey I think I may have a patent in there somewhere.

80's Band Playlist

...goes into a bar Thursday

This woman goes into her local bar and orders a Whiskey but unusually decides to stand at the bar instead of taking her usual seat. The bar man asked her "What's up" "Oh nothing" she replied "Its just that I have had some tatoos done on my thighs and they are a bit sore still". "Interesting" says the bar man "what are the tatoos?" "Well one thigh has a Turkey and the other thigh has a Christmas tree". Thinking it unusual the bar man asked "Why?" "Simple" she replies" My husband is always complaining about having nothing nice to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas....."

A three legged dog limps into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar orders a whiskey and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!!

I love women who get in touch with themselves

Woman embraces her beaver.

Because I Like Bananas

Happy Banana

Killer Banana

Everything you wanted to know about Apple Corporation

Apple - the corporation

A Guy Goes Into a Bar Thursday

A guy goes into a bar ont he top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window and jumps out.

Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he reappears and repeats the whole thing.

About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says: "Hey, how the heck are you doing that?" The first guy responds: "Oh its simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and, since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "Wow!" exclaims the second man. "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.

The bartender looks over to the first man and says: "You know, Superman, you act like a real jerk when you're drunk."

Band Setlist

Get Ready to Relive the 80's:
Band Setlist. Now accepting gigs for the fall and beyond.
Perfect for company gatherings, club happy hours, christmas parties.

home sweet hom
walk like an egyptian
don't you want me - human league
we built this city
whip it
99 red balloons
don't stop believin'
cars
i want a new drug
i want u to want me
summer of 69
i ran (so far away)
jenny (867-5309)
groove is in the heart
girls just wanna have fun
here i go again
still of the night - whitesnake
jessie's girl

just be yourself

So I'm hanging out at Sullivan's Steak House checking out the band with a few of my friends. I begin doing some small talk and dancing with a couple of women from Nigeria which is pretty cool in itself (yes - me chatting women up). So I'm trying to make small talk and thinking I'm getting nowhere near the end of the night - I go over and check on my friends and discuss my plans to come back and hit on the really hot bartender. Then one of the friends of Juliann and Priscilla come and wonder where I'm at - so I go outside and they want me and Russell to go hang out after hours at an African club. So I think - wow - I must've done something right. I never kiss and tell - but it was a very fun night and I managed not to tell one lie while talking to them tonight. I even told them I was a musician and an engineer - and they still kept dancing and talking to me.
So I think the moral of this story is - I'm proud I was myself tonight - though maybe as my friend said, You need a bit more BS skills. later.
I'm tired - it's a quarter to five and I've got band practice in a few hours.

New Phone to Me

A few pictures of my sad old cell phones.














My Old Nokia
















My Old LG Phone (yes - that's duct tape)




















My new cell phone - Sony Walkman Phone.

Yes that is duct tape that was holding my old phone together. So I recently upgraded my cell phone and got a pretty cool Sony Walkman phone - while it's no iPhone. It was free and didn't cost me $600 + $69 per month service. It's a pretty cool device - it sports an FM Radio and is also an MP3 player woo hoo - the best of both worlds for me. Except I doubt I'll be able to take hashing with me. Some guideline about no technology on trail. But as much as I roam and get lost I might just have to break the rules.

More Band Name Ideas....

So I think we may have narrowed our choices down to the following:
(a) Class of '89
(b) The Rubix or The Rubick's
(c) The Brunch Club
(d) Pop Culture

Craiglist Personal Ads

Not sure if you guys check out the personal ads on Craigslist - but it's funny as hell. Here's one best of posting from someone in Houston about it.

*******************************************************************
(Yes, some people fall into more than one category. If I left you out I apologize.)

If all the posters from Houston Craig's List personals were together in one room there would be...

68 People just back from Starbucks and now posting a missed connection
18 Gay men posting a MC for a straight guy
37 People that would get fired for the things they post on RnR at work
19 BBWs looking for love in the wrong place
16 of which are morbidly obese
12 of which are also posting in Casual Encounters
1 of which had chicken wing in hand as she typed
63 People that like to use the term "Gayborhood"
737 People that think they are funnier than they are
698 People that think they are smarter than they are
48 "Str8" guys whose wives are out of town and they'd like to watch some sports with another guy and porn, "possibly j/o or blow each other, but nothing gay."
29 Gay men posing as women
16 Gay men posing as "Str8" guys
1 Woman posing as a Gay man
14 Transexuals posing as women
39 People that enjoy correcting spelling and grammar
18 of which have mistakes in their posts correcting others
7 of which spell grammar with an "e"
48 People who were naked when they posted.
29 People who were drunk when they posted.
2 Middle aged men one of which wants a son the other conspiracy theorist; they will become BFF
1 One smoking hot woman that said she was BBW thinking the BB in BBW meant Big Breasted (Fake that is)
782 People that don't know the difference between There, their, and they're
762 of which are also baffled by It's and Its
29 People that only type with caps lock
1761 People that ignore capitalization
302 of which ignore all grammer rules in general
6 People looking for a 420 hook up
2 People asking what 420 means
13 People looking to party with "Tina"
31 Fat guys in Hawaiian shirts just looking to party
17 Men with their wives out of town looking to "blow a bowl" then be a "bottom" for the "first time"
198 Men would be standing there with their penis out begging to get laid
198 of which posted as "drug a disease free"
42 of which used a picture of one of the other 198's penis as their own
32 of which their genitalia is bright shade of red
17 Dirty old men that say "Race, age, weight, ect don't matter lets just get it on."
167 Utter Jackasses
37 of which their lives will not be fulfilled until they get a Best of CL
12 People arguing with their own RnR alter-ego
1 Married Couple unwittingly exchanging emails with each other after a CE post
61 Women looking for a sugar daddy
3 of which are actually men
321 Women hoping to get the biggest fake boobs they can afford
167 People that don't know what discreet means
183 People that don't know what platonic means
106 People that spell Loser with two "O"s
39 People that post the same images over and over again with their R&R posts
38 of which think a post is not complete w/o 4 of said images
47 Men that like random household objects forcibly shoved up their rectum
18 Men using the platonic massage ploy to lure women
3 Men using a platonic massage ploy to lure men
8 Guys posting crotch shots in holey underwear in CE
19 men that respond to every W4M post with a shot of their penis and have given it a name
3 Men that have responded to every W4M post since the inception of Houston CL
15 People from out of state hating on Texas
243 People who should use a therapist as an outlet not Craig's List
102 Men posting in Strictly Platonic looking for an attractive female friend
102 of which hope that the friendship involves sex
1 of which is 42 years old and wants a son to carry on his family name
11 People posting LTR personals stating they have the herp-herp
3 of which also posted in CE as D&D Free
9 People that think D&D stands for Dungeons and Dragons
62 People that have used the term "asshat", "asswipe", "cuntstick", "fuckwad", or "fucktard" in the normal course of conversation this week.
102 Black women posting for LTRs
93 of which are seeking a SWM
1 of which hopes to turn said SWM into a gimp
103 Married men that answer personals not asking for married men
93 People that completely miss the humor in a post and have to make an angry reply
122 unemployed posters
32 of which posted personals
3 of which are homeless and posting from a local library
46 People posting from jail
87 frequent posters that often post saying they're a first time poster
73 Transvestites
3 of which teach 1st grade
136 Men looking to hook up with a tranny
2 Women looking for some hot tranny sex
293 Posters would qualify as mentally disabled
32 of which frequently post about politics
8 of which are severly disabled and don't know it
49 RnR posters that look just like Linda Blair in The Exorcist when George W. is brought up
3 People in full Ku Klux Klan regalia
203 People in full S&M regalia
23 of which currently have a ball gag in place
597 Haters
and
A countless number of people with nothing better to do but Craig's List at work
**********************************************************

to the girl at the store with the cleavage

when you got up in the morning and got dressed, you chose to wear an outfit that partly reveals your boobs. you have a mirror. you knew. i didn't force you to wear it.

in fact, when you bought this item, you knew that you were going to wear it, in public, and it would be revealing your tits a little (or a lot). make no mistake, i applaud you for this. but what i'm getting at, is that we both know you were showing off your rack. don't lie, it's not very subtle. and don't pretend it's a fashion thing. it's a hooter thing.

so when you buy the top, and wear it, in the summer, in public, and you're going to stand in front of me, guess what.

I'm going to look at your boobs.

first off, you should be flattered. i looked at them because they are nice. you should be upset if you were showing off your knockers and i didn't look at them. actually, them being nice is why i looked at them repeatedly. the first peek was more of an instinct. guy-instinct. we can't help it. after that, we just want to see as much of it as we can. to us, boobs are like the Godfather parts I and II. we can watch them over and over and never get tired of them.

anyway, yea, i looked at your cans. a bunch of times, actually. now, i understand no one likes to be stared at. this is why i did in fact look around the rest of the store to see if there was anything else interesting to look at. unfortunately there were no other hot babes, no bums, no cute babies, no one was wearing a Slayer reign in blood tour shirt. nothing. so i went back to your melons. sorry. it was a boring ride, and they were right in front of me. but i think you forget that i was nice enough to focus on your funbags, as opposed to alternating between them and trying to make eyecontact. now that would have been ungentlemen-like. i realise no one finds true love over a pair of jugs in the fruit section. it's just not realistic. so i kept my head down, stood in a position as to be not overly obvious about my staring, made sure i didn't get a semi (i got real close once, but i handled it), and tried to be as polite about the situation as possible.

so anyway, i just thought you should know my point of view on what happened. i am not a pervert. i was just a man. a man who saw something that pulled his mind out of the daily routine, and i held onto it dearly (not literally, ofcourse, though that would have been pretty sick). but as you can tell from this long posting, i do feel slightly bad about my behaviour. so to make up for it, i have decided, with pain in my heart, to release you from my spank bank.

i think it is fair to say we are even now. i think i did see a hint of slight animal lust in your eyes when you gave me that annoyed look and got out of there quick. so if you are reading this, baby, i'd really like to take you on a trip... a motor boating trip.

Not that I need another car, but

Saw this posting today on Craigslist:
Only $2775

It's About Time Bats Get Recognition

From the article in the Houston Chronicle:
Researcher's want to cast bats in a new light.

Embodiment of evil
From the medieval Christian artists depicting Lucifer with bat wings to pop culture portraying bats as blood-sucking villains, these mammals have become an embodiment of death and evil. The group is publishing a bilingual children's book and DVD Frankie the Free-tailed Bat, that describes a "year in a life of a Mexican free-tailed bat," to challenge the common stereotype.

"Bats are victims of superstitions and myth, they are feared and destroyed without people knowing what kind of value they provide," said Patricia Morton, a project leader with the Texas Parks and Wildlife. "This is the most important research that demonstrates the value of bats in large numbers."

The bat's reputation already has seen some changes.

The theory that massive numbers of bats migrate to Texas chasing insects first emerged in the early 1990s, when local meteorologists detected two large clouds in the areas but no storm activity.

Scientists discovered the clouds were colonies of bats eating insects, but it took them a decade to find a precise way to measure their numbers.